Diaper free?

As a mother who is tired of diapers already, I had to at least look into the theories behind "elimination communication," a term used to describe going diaper-free with babies as young as two months. I realized pretty quickly that those who buy into the philosophy are quacks. Then I discovered this commentary. I think Bec in particular will find it funny.

Some mornings, when I sit down to read the paper, I get so aggravated I choke on my coffee.

That's what happened this week, when I came across a story touting the latest trend in parenting: the "diaper-free" movement. It seems that well-meaning but completely insane parents have decided that their babies, from the moment of birth, don't really need diapers. Babies, even newborns, can tell us when they need to use the bathroom, these parents feel, through body language. All you have to do is watch your baby 24/7, look for that kind of tensed-up look on their cherubic little face, and then rush over and hold them over the toilet like a colander of spaghetti being drained into a sink.

Thinking this was a joke, I decided to do a little research on the subject (well, in reality, I just looked at a few websites, but these days that qualifies as research). This movement may not be widespread yet, but it's growing, with a philosophy and a unique lingo in which everyday terms are replaced with fancy new terminology. For example, one of the basic tenets of the diaper free movement is the practice of "elimination communication" (known for years as "looking like you gotta go"). People who master the art of elimination communication are known as "EC'ers" (formerly "folks with too much time on their hands"). When your baby goes in the wrong place, such as their pants, your car, or the neighbor's front porch, it's called a "miss." When they go in the right place, it's called a "catch." (Let's pause for a second while we all wait for the creepy implications of that one to pass, OK?)

Caregivers who practice EC are encouraged to master "cueing," which involves making sounds to indicate to Junior what it is, exactly, you want him to do. Suggestions: "Pssst!" for No. 1, or "Ugh!" for the alternative.

Real parenting experts, the type with degrees, point out that children under the age of 16 months not only have no idea how to tell you they have to go, they're not always sure they're the one who did it. Parents of newborns: Just watch your baby after they've gone (or "missed," to be up to date). For a few minutes, he'll look around, wondering what just happened. Sometimes he'll look at you suspiciously, wondering if you're the one who ruined the atmosphere in his baby room.

The promoters of this movement point out that for ages and ages, humans have raised children without the use of diapers, and I suppose they're right. But human history is chock full of people doing idiotic stuff right up until someone came along and invented a solution. The earliest humans only ate "ABC" meat: animals that had already been chewed by something else, like a saber tooth tiger. Then someone invented the spear, which provided fresh meat. For years after that, they ate everything raw, squatting over their kill, until someone came up with the idea of taking the meat home and cooking it. Finally, someone invented the cheeseburger. My point is, I don't hear anyone saying, "Hey, want to go back to eating decaying carcasses?"

I know that modern diapers take up a lot of space in landfills and are made up of petrochemicals that never biodegrade. Ten thousand years from now, archeologists will dig up those landfills, take one whiff and decide to quit being archeologists. But we have to think of the environmental consequences of going diaper free, as well. Just think of those same landfills piled high with carpets, sofas, easy chairs and clothing, all ruined by babies who have gone "commando" without fully mastering the art of elimination communication.

. . .

All my own kids, unless they decide to become murderous astronauts, have put on their last diaper. But if you do decide to go diaper free with your baby, and I come over to visit, please don't ask me if I want to hold Junior.

And I'm probably not sitting on your sofa, either.